Professor Follies
Retired spectral entity denies being in Seaview, despite issuing denial from three separate locations
SEAVIEW, ISLE OF WIGHT
An unusually enthusiastic outbreak of birdsong in Seaview is being investigated following reports that the village’s resident Mirage has been appearing above the sea, beneath the sea and beside a perfectly ordinary cup of tea, all at approximately the same time.
The latest disturbance appears to have followed the Isle of Wight Biosphere Festival’s underwater freediving safari on 4 July. Led by marine biologist and underwater photographer Theo Vickers, certified freedivers explored the seagrass meadows off Seaview in search of marine inhabitants.
They may have found one more inhabitant than anticipated.
Several unconfirmed witnesses have since described seeing a pale, wavering figure moving through the seagrass without flippers, breathing equipment or any obvious commitment to being underwater.
At roughly the same moment, another witness reportedly saw the same figure standing near the shore, while a third insists it was browsing inside a shop that may have been a café.
The establishment itself cannot now be found.
A QUIET RETIREMENT BECOMES COMPLICATED
The Seaview Mirage is believed to have selected the village as its preferred retirement location after several centuries of appearing on horizons, misleading sailors and causing distant buildings to hover unnecessarily.
It apparently wanted somewhere quiet.
Seaview offered calm beaches, coastal air, attractive walks and enough passing boats to provide occasional optical entertainment without the administrative burden of a full haunting.
Unfortunately, Mirage has not mastered retirement.
According to F.O.L.L.I.E.S records, the phenomenon has previously been reported across the Island in the form of a wandering café, gift shop or unexplained destination. It never remains in one location for long, although Seaview is considered one of its most regular haunts. Those who pursue it frequently discover only a small black disc attached to a wall or post.
Professor Follies believes this is not ordinary forgetfulness.
“It is a form of quantum retirement,” he explained. “Mirage is simultaneously at home, out for a walk, visiting the shops and refusing all social engagements. Frankly, many retired people aspire to this, but Mirage appears to have perfected it.”
SCIENCE OFFERS A LESS INTERESTING EXPLANATION
Genuine mirages occur when light passes through layers of air with different temperatures. The resulting refraction can distort, duplicate or apparently elevate distant objects. Under suitable atmospheric conditions, buildings and boats may appear to float, stretch or occupy positions that geography has not authorised.
This explains some sightings.
It does not adequately explain why Mirage was reportedly seen purchasing a scone.
Professor Follies has therefore proposed that the Seaview entity exists in what he calls a spectral superposition, being here, there, everywhere and nowhere until somebody looks directly at it.
At that point it generally becomes a post, a shadow, an empty chair or somebody else’s cardigan.
This theory has not been endorsed by mainstream physicists, local government or the cardigan’s owner.
BIRDS MAY BE ATTEMPTING TO LOCATE IT
Attention has now turned to the exceptional volume of birdsong reported around Seaview’s nature reserve.
F.O.L.L.I.E.S investigators believe the birds may be trying to triangulate Mirage’s position. Unfortunately, triangulation assumes that the subject occupies one position at a time, a conventional restriction Mirage regards as rather old-fashioned.
An alternative theory suggests that the birds can see every possible version of Mirage simultaneously and are singing to each of them individually.
This would explain why one bird appears to begin the dawn chorus, followed immediately by dozens more joining in as though additional audiences have just arrived.
“It may not be excessive birdsong at all,” Professor Follies noted. “It could be the correct quantity of birdsong multiplied across several overlapping realities.”
Local birds have declined to comment, although a particularly vocal warbler is understood to have repeated its statement continuously since 4.43am.
MIRAGE APPROACHED FOR COMMENT
Professor Follies attempted to interview Mirage beside the Seaview shoreline.
The following responses were recorded:
“I am not here.”
A second voice, apparently coming from farther along the beach, then added:
“I came to Seaview for some peace and quiet.”
A third voice, heard from inside the bird hide, concluded:
“Please stop observing me. It makes me specific.”
When Professor Follies turned towards the final voice, the hide was empty.
When he turned back, his notebook contained the words NO COMMENT, although he had not written them.
The handwriting was his.
PROFESSOR FOLLIES’ ISLAND NEWS LOG
Subject: Seaview Mirage
Classification: Spectral optical entity with probable quantum tendencies
Current location: Seaview, elsewhere and pending observation
Recent activity: Possible underwater appearance during seagrass exploration
Associated disturbance: Elevated birdsong, duplicated witnesses and one unresolved scone
Retirement status: Technically retired, operationally everywhere
Public risk: Low, unless attempting to arrange a fixed appointment
Investigation status: Ongoing, paused and not yet begun
Professor’s conclusion:
Mirage may not be causing the birds to sing.
It is equally possible that the birdsong is causing Mirage to appear.
Both explanations remain under investigation, together with a third possibility in which neither event has happened yet.
Members of the public encountering an unfamiliar café, floating building or spectral pensioner are advised not to panic. Remain calm, make a note of the location and avoid blinking until somebody else has seen it.
Otherwise, it was probably never there.
