Fhurt Pownder
A tense cross-species summit was held yesterday on the wind-bitten cliffs of south-west Wight, where representatives of the Chale Goblin, Brook Elven, and Freshwater Gorgon met a frazzled councillor to discuss the rapid erosion of the Military Road, which geologists and goblins alike now agree is “five paces from a watery demise.”
Councillor Becca Cameron, waving a stack of risk assessments like a flag of surrender, warned that sections of the coastal road were “at serious risk of collapse” after engineers reported cliff edges now less than five metres from the tarmac. “Each bus vibration could be its last,” she said, before tripping over a sandbag and being applauded for her commitment to realism.
The Chale Goblin, speaking through a handmade megaphone (a conch shell with glitter), declared:
“Five goblin-paces! That’s all that stands between the road and a very scenic plunge. Yet still, the humans roar past in their wheeled thunder-boxes! I demand twenty thousand silver coins for relocation, or at least a proper viewing bench for my ambushes!”
The Brook Elven, who arrived fashionably late atop a driftwood cart of sea-glass, offered a gentler proposal:
“I shall weave the glass into a barrier that shimmers at dusk. It will hum when the tide sings. It will also double as a modest art installation.”
Meanwhile the Freshwater Gorgon, arms folded and snakes visibly unimpressed, pledged to “petrify the loose stones personally,” though warned that her last attempt had resulted in “a rather motionless tour bus.”
Council officials, caught between geological doom and mythical demands, have costed the rerouting of the road at over £20 million, noting that such a move might extend the route’s lifespan by twenty years — or, as the Goblin pointed out, “roughly two Elven holidays and a medium-sized prophecy.”
Sources close to the Gorgon say she remains sceptical. “If they’d listened centuries ago when I suggested turning the entire coastline to granite, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” she hissed, turning a plastic bollard to stone for emphasis.
Councillor Cameron concluded the meeting by promising “further monitoring” and “a potential speed-limit review,” before being seen sprinting inland muttering about funding bids and sacrificial paperwork.
The Isle of Wigh Follies Federation has since issued travel advice for Questers traversing the Wind-Edge Spire-Way:
Do not lick the cliff.
Do report any talking rocks or singing chalk formations.
Bring offerings of cider if negotiating with Elven unions.
The council has declined to comment on whether goblin consultations will be formally included in future erosion mitigation plans, though a spokesperson admitted the creatures “at least show up to meetings on time.”
Filed under: Environment, Mythology, Local Government, General Nonsense
