Fhurt Pownder
FOR SALE
Antique Computer, c.1875 – Works Like New!
Steam-powered. Original brass keyboard. Screen haunted but polite. Includes a complimentary instruction manual in Morse code. £45 or trade for working typewriter ghost. Contact Professor A. Typo, Ryde.
Bridge for Sale – Trolls Approved (This Time)
Solid stone, hardly used. Comes with optional billy-goat deterrent kit and lifetime warranty against riddles. Located near Shalfleet. Serious offers only. No goats, please.
One Slightly Used Crystal Ball
Shows the future but refuses to predict Mondays. Some fogging around tax season. Ideal for small prophecies or party tricks. Call Madam Zelda (she’ll already know you’re calling).
WANTED
Haunted House Seeks Ghosts (Bring Your Own Chains)
Current occupants feel the manor’s ambience is “too cheerful.” Looking for at least one Victorian child apparition and a headless cellist. Apply within (after midnight).
Band Seeking Fireproof Pyrotechnician
The previous one was incinerated by Newport Dragon during an encore. Must bring own extinguisher and sense of humour. Contact Dragonlight Management, c/o Isle of Wight Festival Grounds.
PERSONALS
Lonely Spectral Male (483, but young at heart)
Seeks incorporeal companionship for long walks through walls and candlelit séances. Enjoys misty evenings, regrets haunting Yarmouth Town Hall. Box 13.
Ogre with a Heart of Gold (and Hands of Mud)
Seeks a partner who appreciates rustic charm, deep conversation, and large clubs. Non-smokers preferred (he tends to eat the fire).
SERVICES
Handyman Bogeyman – “Making Yesterday Feel Better Than Today”
Repairs nightmares, rehangs doors that slam by themselves, and offers 24-hour wailing support. Rates negotiable (depends on size of fear).
Pixie Parcel Delivery
Fastest in the Follies! Parcels under 3 kg and not round! Be aware: Pixies may open packages “for curiosity reasons.”
MISCELLANEOUS
Found: Pair of Boots (Seven-League, Slightly Overcharged)
Currently covering 12 leagues per stride. Owner urged to reclaim before further geographic embarrassment.
Notice: Missing Time
Lost somewhere between Ventnor and Sandown, roughly three hours. If found, please return to The Federation of Chronological Affairs.
To place an advert, do hesitate to get in touch with the Island News Classifieds Desk, Room 3, beneath the Clocktower, or whisper directly to the newsroom pigeon. All submissions are moderated for family-friendliness, political neutrality, and spectral readability.
