Shop Local! Retired Mythical Creatures Praise Isle of Wight Businesses Collaborations

NEWPORT, ISLE OF WIGHT
In what officials are calling “a regrettable but largely harmless press intrusion”, five mythical creatures now living quietly in retirement on the Isle of Wight held an impromptu, highly informal press conference yesterday to review the island businesses they have recently “partnered with”.

The gathering, hosted in the Newport Civic Centre after the Dragon allegedly “borrowed a key”, brought together a Dragon, a Chupacabra, a Griffin, a Leprechaun and a Banshee. All five have been residents of the island since taking early retirement during the 2022 “Global Mythical Relocation Initiative”, a scheme aimed at moving legendary beings into quieter coastal communities.

The creatures claimed they had spent the last month observing a series of business collaborations on the Island, and felt “professionally obligated” to provide comment.

What followed was described by one council employee as “a strange mixture of satire, business endorsement and Monty Python sketch rehearsal, but with better costumes”.

THE DRAGON (Winter Wellness Collaboration, Newport)

The Dragon arrived first, squeezing through the double doors sideways “to avoid damage to the municipal plasterwork”.
When asked to comment on the collaboration between The Beauty Spot and Trained By Coco, the Dragon waved a claw at reporters.

“I have lived for 1,800 years,” it said. “Never once have I witnessed such disciplined squatting technique. Lance from Trained By Coco deserves a medal. Possibly several. And The Beauty Spot has introduced me to moisturiser. I am now, for the first time in centuries, exfoliated.”

Tanya from The Beauty Spot later provided an official statement:

“If the Dragon continues using our serums, we may need to increase our fire insurance.”

Lance added:

“He skipped leg day once. Never again.”

THE CHUPACABRA (Festive Rubbish Networking, Newport/Dodnor)

The Chupacabra, wearing a reflective vest it “found under a bench”, took the podium next, insisting it had been misunderstood for centuries.

“People think I am a menace,” it stated. “But picking up rubbish with business owners has been deeply therapeutic. NOSY Creative Agency provided gloves. WRS gave me biscuits. I haven’t attacked a single goat since arriving on the island. That is personal growth.”

NOSY Creative Agency responded diplomatically:

“We are just pleased it stopped chewing the litter-pickers after the first hour.”

WRS added:

“Its commitment to tidiness is excellent. Its commitment to not eating networking participants remains a work in progress.”

THE GRIFFIN (Wight Gift Card Initiative, Island-wide)

The Griffin entered through a window “out of habit”, then perched on the press desk like a judgemental seagull.

“As guardian of commerce since 212 BC, I hereby declare the Wight Gift Card an acceptable innovation,” it announced. “I followed the card through Cowes High Street. It only entered independent businesses. Impressive loyalty.”

A spokesperson for the scheme admitted they “did not anticipate aerial surveillance”, but welcomed the endorsement.

“If the Griffin wants to monitor economic activity, frankly, good luck to anyone trying to stop it.”

THE LEPRECHAUN (Scrubs for Carers, Freshwater)

The Leprechaun arrived carrying a sewing machine and a bag of offcuts from Rapanui.

“When the island needed scrubs, these humans stitched faster than I have seen since the Great Elven Trouser Crisis of 1341,” it declared. “I supervised. Quality was maintained. No trousers exploded.”

A representative from Rapanui commented:

“We didn’t ask for supervision. It just turned up. But it did bring sandwiches, so we allowed it to stay.”

Isle of Wight Jobs confirmed the Leprechaun had been “very encouraging”, though prone to singing work songs with 97 verses.

THE BANSHEE (Hoodies for Homeless, Newport)

Finally, the Banshee arrived, floating through the ceiling in what the press later described as “unhelpfully dramatic”.

Once settled behind the microphone, it delivered a soft, surprisingly well-articulated statement:

“I have traditionally been associated with doom. However, I prefer community work now. Donating hoodies for those facing winter hardship is noble work. I gave a gentle warning wail to ensure residents paid attention. Three car alarms responded.”

A council spokesperson confirmed the Banshee’s involvement:

“It was polite. For a Banshee.”

A representative from the hoodie supplier added:

“It has impeccable taste in winter colours. Terrifying presence, yes. Strong fashion eye, also yes.”

COUNCIL RESPONSE

Following the conference, the Council issued a short statement:

“We appreciate the creatures’ community engagement but request they book rooms in advance. And stop borrowing the keys.”

ISLAND BUSINESS REACTION

Across the Island, business owners responded with mixed awe and mild confusion.

One café in Ryde: “We get seagulls. Myth creatures are a step up.”

A pub in Ventnor: “If the Hydra wants a shandy, we will not be the ones to say no.”

A mechanic in Sandown: “If a Cyclops shows up asking for winter tyres again, we’re sending it to Halfords.”

TO CONCLUDE

The mythical retirees concluded the event by encouraging islanders to support local collaborations:

“Because on the Isle of Wight, even the legends back the independents.”