Fhurt Pownder
Sandown/Shanklin, Isle of Wight | 26 October 2025
Police investigating a string of petty disturbances along the coastal corridor between Sandown and Shanklin have questioned two well-known island residents, the Sandown Cyclops and several Shanklin Zombies, after both were sighted near a car park late on Tuesday evening.
Officers described the interviews as “lengthy, inconclusive, and punctuated by poor signal reception.”
The Cyclops: “I was observing the heavens”
The Cyclops, a tall and usually cooperative figure known locally for his astronomy hobby, denied any wrongdoing.
“I wasn’t loitering,” he told officers. “I was stargazing. The Perseus cluster was magnificent. You can’t mistake that sort of spectacle for a car theft, unless you’ve only got one eye, which I do, but it’s a very responsible eye.”
Asked if he had noticed suspicious activity, he replied,
“Yes. Orion’s belt. Entirely too showy for this latitude.”
Police confirmed that the Cyclops’ telescope was indeed pointed skyward and that the only item removed from any vehicle was “a small sense of perspective.”
The Zombies: “Hang on, just a minute…”
A short distance away, officers encountered three members of Shanklin’s Undead Neighbourhood Watch who appeared preoccupied with their phones.
“Hang on,” one zombie, identified only as Zed, said repeatedly while scrolling. “Just a minute, I’m watching a video.”
After several frantic swipes and moans of disapproval, he found a clip he deemed satisfactory, a tutorial entitled ‘The Left-Limb Limbo Challenge’, and began groaning appreciatively.
Despite repeated questioning, Zed and his companions insisted they were “doing important social outreach” via a new mobile app called TikZombie, where users post short dances and groans for community brains.
“We saw something suspicious once,” Zed added between swipes. “It was an advert for suspicious behaviour. We liked it, shared it, then forgot why.”
Frustration without findings
Constable Pratt, who led the questioning, told Island News that both the Cyclops and the Zombies were “cooperative in spirit if not in tempo.”
“The Cyclops provided celestial data we can’t use,” Pratt said, “and the Zombies provided silence followed by the sound of buffering.”
After verifying the Cyclops’ position through multiple eyewitnesses, several residents reported seeing “a large silhouette pointing at the sky and muttering about light pollution”, police ruled out both parties.
“It’s fair to say they were innocent, but in a way that tested the limits of professional patience,” Pratt added.
Advisory to the public
The Isle of Wight Police remind residents to:
Lock vehicles and keep valuables out of sight (particularly portable brains).
Avoid confronting mythic residents engaged in “astronomy or interpretive mobile content.”
Report any further disturbances, except celestial observation after 10 p.m., which remains a lawful pastime.
Patrols will continue “until the Cyclops remembers where he left his torch” or the Zombies achieve a stable Wi-Fi connection.
References & Attributions
Real-World Sources
Police step up patrols following break-ins at Sandown car park, Yahoo News / Isle of Wight County Press, Oct 2025.
Police appeal after vehicles targeted in Sandown car park break-ins, Isle of Wight Radio, Oct 2025.
Federation of FOLLIES Sources
Federation of Legendary Lore Investigation & Evidence Specialists (FOLLIES), Coastal Incidents Division, File Ref: SC-017-ZMB/CYC.
Undead Neighbourhood Watch: Annual Report 2025, Shanklin Civic Crypt.
Observational Notes of the Sandown Cyclops, Vol II – “On Light Pollution and Human Suspicion,” Federation Press Archive.
Island News is a publication of the Isle of Wight Follies Press Service. All interviews conducted under mild exasperation and low moonlight.
